I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize