Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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