my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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