Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
