If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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