I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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