so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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