Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
