I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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