Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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