he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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