Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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