I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
