All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
