the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
