I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
