her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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