Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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