I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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