the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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