My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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