mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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