so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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