either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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