Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
