Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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