i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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