John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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