i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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