I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
MIDGETS
????
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
