How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
