you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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