what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
