Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
