hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
