Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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