Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You are the jesus of drinking
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
