So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
