I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
no more duck duck goose at the bar
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
