I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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