had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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