Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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