New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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