You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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