Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He felt like a one man threesome
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
