You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
