evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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