and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
