is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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