She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
