a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
