the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
