Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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