y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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