Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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