You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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