Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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