So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My vagina is officially offended.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
