I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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