True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
