Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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