Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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