forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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