I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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